You Cannot Always be Comfortable

I am now a graduate of Pace University. I keep thinking about next semester, but it does not exist. It is finished. I am unable to wrap my head around it. I am the type of person that does not get emotionally attached to everything. Instead, I hold very few things close to my heart in order to guard it. When I have to change the circumstances of what is attached to my emotions and heart, I feel my heart break. If I have to let something go in any way, even if not permanent, I feel my heart shake. Some could call that anxiety because of lack of control, which I do have; however, this is different. I have always been comfortable with having the important attributes of myself close to my heart, and now I have been forced to change them.

When I say attributes, I do not mean descriptions of myself, but of people, relationships, books and even songs that I now claim to be a part of me and my journey. I am emotionally attached somehow to these attributes. I have very few attributes within my heart from my childhood: A song my dad would sing to my sisters over the phone while he was on active duty, 2000s country music I would cry to in my hot pink bedroom, my deceased cousin, and the smell of cigars and charcoal grills from my grandfather's house. I hold these close to my heart. I have very few attributes I hold within me from my teens: the brightness of a dance studio and the touch of a ballet bar--that is it (they were not the best of years for me, but dance kept me alive, literally). However, right now I am gathering the attributes my heart has gained these last four years: my relationships with my elders. I was never close with teachers, except my 3rd grade and 6th grade teachers; I have forever kept to myself and got by with good grades. My college experience changed my perspective on that. I started trusting the people that are here to guide me.

I came to Pace thinking I would study theater, but that fell through. I picked up Communications because I love reading the news and observing the way people react with each other, whether it be over the internet or face-to-face. Although I grew up keeping to myself, I prefer face-to-face communication; which lead me to never wanting to be just a social media manager--I am way too deep for that. I love reading and speaking about what is going on in our world, and the relationships we all have with what is going on in our world. I hate politics, and sadly the political climate is on fire. Political and popular culture news is what truly sells, and I first saw myself as an E! News host. I soon retracted that vision. I remember sitting in one of my Communications classes a few weeks into my fall semester of junior year. It was Media, Culture and Society with Dr. Emilie Zaslow, and she really opened my eyes to the relationship media and society has. I had never gone to a communications professor's office hours until her class, she became the one professor within the communications department that I actually trusted. I remember coming in to ask if she knew anything about communication jobs within religion.

I obnoxiously asked for a selfie 

I have always been fascinated with religion. In high school, I was initially intrigued by the lesson plans on the religions of the globe. Being a Christian, I thought the only jobs you could get within the religion realm were religious jobs. In fact, last week a friend of mine told me he could see me as a pastor. I had to tell him Oh no, I would be too problematic. I never explained why, and I just walked away. I am never afraid to speak about my faith, and love talking to others about it, but in a more intimate setting, rather than to a congregation. I took my first religion course in my first semester of college, and that led me to taking another one the next semester. I eventually took a one or two religion courses each semester of my 4 years of college. Through this, I met two wise men that made an impact on my future: Dr. Eddis Miller and Dr. James Reich. I learned about both the west and the east from them, since Miller's classes focused on Western philosophy and religions, and Reich's on the East. I was introduced to Miller's classes the fall semester of my sophomore year with The Study of Hebrew Scriptures, and to Reich's the fall semester of junior year with Buddhism. I had other religious studies professors prior to them, but they were the ones who made me want to actually pursue this as my focus of communications. I took my admiration and respect for them as attributes of myself, a part of my being. Their grades, comments, conversations, critiques, and even debates had and still have so much value to me and my studies.

I was in the elevator heading to Reich's office one day to ask questions about class, when Miller questioned me about me signing a religious studies minor form to make my studies official. I may sound a tad dramatic, but I was sincerely excited to fill out this form. I felt like I was confirming myself, because I was lost for a while. I came to New York to be an entertainer, and now I was honestly verifying what is actually important to me when it comes to my future: communicating about the relationship between religion, media and society.

I suppose that is why I walked away from my friend who said I would be a good pastor. I have read, researched about the ways religion affects us and continue to do so. In many ways it has been destructive, but also of love. People use religion to destroy each other, but people also use it to bring each other together.

Today, I am graduate of a communications major and a religious studies minor. I walked across the stage as Dr. Zaslow confidently said my name, and I was truly grateful it was her. She opened my eyes to the study of society. 

I left the commencement venue looking for Miller, just to say thank you again for his impact on my life here at Pace. I had already sent both him and Reich an email at the end of the semester, but again, I love face-to-face communication. I finally found him outside, and just had to say see you later, because I know that I will see my professor again, sometime down the road.  In fact, both Miller and Reich impacted me so much on my view of religion and its philosophy, that I can see myself as being a professor as well. People question me why I put my communications focus on religion. I think because there is such a miscommunication about it, I feel the need to make it happen. I know I am only one person, but I know that I can impact others just as my professors have impacted me. 

I cried during commencement due to disruption of my normal. Because I have been comfortable in my student identity, it is hard for me to change the circumstances of my normal. I am have been so used to learning from their classes and curriculum, and overall just having that respect and trust in guidance as a student. Now that I am no longer an enrolled student, it does shake me a bit. I feel that my comfort in my attributes have been disrupted somehow because my undergraduate career has come to a complete end. I am actually terrified that I will get lost within my independent studies. Although I do want to go to graduate school in the near future, I still feel like I could get myself lost. That possibility of being off track does make me nervous, because I do not want to fail. Yet, I know that I cannot depend on people to make me learn, and I can also learn on my own.