Anxiety.

Note: When I was scribbling this in my notebook, I titled it "Crying and Hyperventilating on my Bedroom Floor" but felt it was too real. 

I went grocery shopping today and came back in tears. I put away my groceries I selfishly bought and ran up to my room hyperventilating. Tears ran down my face. 

I texted my father, my best friend: "Are you busy? I am so anxious. I can't breathe." He replied, "You actually can't breathe?" I say, " Mentally I feel like I can't. My throat is dry and I am hyperventilating. I can't stop crying."  

My body was shutting down, and my mind was dictating everything. My tears were drowning me. I literally felt like I was drowning. I couldn't say real words; I was just breathing inconsistently, and my body hurt. 

I was curled up in the corner in an anxious frenzy. I felt defenseless, and overall like a failure. Luckily my father made me sane and stable again. My mother too. She gave me the sweetest, most loving words. I am truly not worthy of my parents. 

And this makes me think: Am I worthy? Of anyone? Will I be a burden to the people around me? Is my anxiety too much for people? Am I a burden? Not to God, but to my peers, to friends, to family, to people I care about? 

I forgot what it felt like to cry for hours. Two, to be exact. I cried for two whole hours. How did I not actually drown? 

Anxiety made my appetite disappear. I haven't eaten in 10 hours. I have no appetite.

I gave a half-way answer, in which I am ashamed of. I fear judgement. I fear resentment. Yet, I feel like that would not be the case. However, I have been called dramatic my entire life. I have been labeled dramatic because of my emotions. I fear that my anxiety will jeopardize every relationship I come across.